My Mother's Day

So first let me tell you my history with the holiday we call Mother's Day.

My mom died when I was four years old from an all-encompassing and quite virulent type of cancer that attacked most of her internal organs and left her body helpless against its advance. There is actually a medical journal that exists about her case since it apparently left the doctors baffled and rendered them as helpless as she was in fighting it. Needless to say, her health declined quite rapidly and she was gone before I really knew what Mother's Day was.

We certainly didn't celebrate the holiday much in my family. I can't quite remember if we sent the obligatory card to our one living grandmother but even if we did she was my grandmother and as wonderful as she was to us she was grandma, not mom. I honestly have no recollection of the day holding any special place in my home while I was growing up.

So year in and year out Mother's Day would pass with friends going off to see their moms and have their brunches or dinners, bring their flowers and cards and bestow their justifiable gratitude. Mother's Day, a lovely holiday no doubt and meaningful to so many, a holiday which I witnessed many years up close when I worked brunch shifts at various restuarant jobs but which I always encountered as a mere observer, an outsider. Frankly, it was a holiday for others, not for me.

If you were to ask me beforehand exactly what day Mother's Day falls upon in any given year I would have to go to a calendar and look it up. I know it's on a Sunday in May but I don't even know what weekend it usually falls upon and I would not even notice it at all if it weren't for the ads and stories in the media that preceed it every year or the signs in the windows of gift shops and card stores.

So to be completely honest Mother's Day has traditionally been a non-event for me. That is until one day, a few years back, we were gathered at my brother's house for a family event. I think it may have been my godchild's birthday which falls in May. The conversation came around to Mother's Day and I mentioned to one of my sister-in-laws how Mother's Day didn't really register on my radar in a personal way. It was something I never celebrated nor found any need to observe. She looked sincerely saddened by my utterance and told me how she felt. I shrugged it off but something struck me that day. It was indeed sad that I had no feelings about Mother's Day. In many ways it was a symbol not only of my distance from the celebration of mothers in general but also from the dynamic of motherhood in my own life and what the experience had done to me personally.

I essentially grew up without a mother and that has undoubtedly shaped the person I have become. I know that, accept it and always have. On the positive side, I was forced to grow up fast and became self-reliant and hard-working from early on. My dad gave me a great deal of freedom I would perhaps not have had otherwise but I avoided any serious trouble and learned from early on that I would need to stand on my own two feet. I suppose there are some negatives as well. I know that I over-analyze things and can obsessively worry about things I cannot change. I can be tough to get to know at first because I can be guarded about my true self since getting close to people is always a risk for hurt or loss. Yes, I know it all makes sense!

And some things are not always easy but I am grateful for them. I know the darker sides and sounds and images of life make many people uncomfortable but I have always found them to have a solemn beauty, a neccessity to ground me in reality and keep me in tune with the deep sense of loss that in some way, shape or form touches me every single day of my life. This does not ever overwhelm me and trust me when I say I am far from a depressed or unhappy person.

For in the darkness, I always see the light and that's what makes me smile throughout most of my waking hours and especially at the end of the day.

I suppose I realized a little late that my mother gave all of this to me and more but it is never too late to acknowledge and celebrate it. I need not avoid her, her memory, the loss, Mother's Day. What I should do is embrace her and all that she meant to me and still means to me as long as I live on this Earth! My mother is and always will be a massive influence upon my life and the person I've become and the person I aspire yet to be. I am thankful for her, for life, for love and for what she and all mothers bring to this world and the children they raise.

So this year, I celebrate Mother's Day with the countless others out there. From those whose mom's died in childbirth to those whose lived well into their 90's and 100's, I join with you and give thanks for all they've done for us. We are born from their wombs, raised in their care, influenced by their actions and their lives, and only become the people that we truly are as a result of their existence.

I love you Mom and I know you love me and look out after me from above!

© 2010 Paul Caracciolo. Reproduction in whole or in part is strictly prohibited.